The UTEP Pisser Could Be A Woman Pretending To Be A Man

Well, folks, we’ve done it. We’ve created a monster. The mysterious campus phantom known only as the UTEP Pisser has officially seen our coverage, and let me tell you, the man, woman, or extremely hydrated cryptid behind the account is strutting around the internet with a head so big it might not fit in the Miners’ parking garage.

The Pisser has become a campus celebrity. He (or she… more on that in a second) has leaned into the chaos, dropping more cryptic streams, more dramatic shots of puddles, and frankly, the kind of avant-garde cinematography that could win an Oscar in the category of “Best Use of Bodily Functions, Maybe.” But this newfound fame? This is exactly when people slip up. This is the season finale arc where we find out the truth.

P.S.

I noticed in the comments of this new TikTok that NMSU also has a Pisser. A lot of universities do right now!! It is an epidemic!!!

READ MORE: COLLEGE PISSER TREND TAKING OVER AROUND THE COUNTRY

Is the UTEP Pisser A Grand Hoax?

Now here’s where things take a turn. My cohost Iris made a bold observation: those pee streams? Too clear. Suspiciously clear. Like, straight-out-of-an-Icelandic-glacier clear. This raises some very uncomfortable questions:

• Is the Pisser actually peeing… or just pouring out Dasani in the name of art?

• If it is Dasani, does that make this performance piece better or worse?

• And most importantly, why would anyone spend actual money on bottled water just to fake-pee around UTEP? (could be a refillable water bottle, who knows?)

If this turns out to be a hoax, I’m not sure whether to be disappointed or impressed. Honestly, it’s a fine line.

The UTEP Pisser Could Actually Be A Woman.

Here’s where things get extra spicy: what if the UTEP Pisser isn’t even a dude? Some (me) have speculated that this could be a woman deliberately making guys look disgusting. Which, honestly, is the easiest trick in the book. Men don’t exactly have a glowing reputation for being clean creatures. You could probably post a video of a shoe filled with Gatorade and people would go, “Yeah, that tracks.”

If this is the case, hats off to her. She’s playing 4D chess while the rest of us are still stuck trying to figure out how to open the bathroom door with our elbows.

So here we are, at the peak of the mystery. The UTEP Pisser has the spotlight, an inflated ego, and maybe even a jug of Aquafina tucked under their arm. But remember this: the higher you rise, the harder you fall. Fame makes people sloppy, and sooner or later, our golden ghost of UTEP is going to slip up.

READ MORE: THE UTEP PISSER EMERGES

And when they do, we’ll be there, notepad in one hand, mop in the other.